A Furry Feeling
(Dave-Barryish style)
by Leah P.

There comes a time in every boy’s life when he feels the need to sit in front of the mirror for hours on end, having one-sided conversations with his invisible mustache hair (they believe this is an effective way of coaxing the hairs out of their face at a quicker rate than puberty allows). Somewhere within those inflated heads of theirs, they imagine themselves looking remarkably similar to Will Smith or Bert Reynolds. Unfortunately, the majority of teenage boys get so overwhelmed by their hair popping out in all different directions, that instead of having their “dream mustaches,” they end up looking like Yosemite Sam, which, I might add, is not necessarily too terrible of a result.

According to the FMB, Froofy Mustache Association, you are 7.234 times more likely to get a girl’s attention by having a Yosemite Sam Mustache than a Will Smith “stache” (this can be interpreted in any way you feel necessary). Just look at Sesame Street’s Snuffleubpagus; his lifelong role model has always been Yosemite Sam (do not ask why) and his most acknowledgeable feature is his furry face. He is an all-American idol for both children and adults. In a recent interview with Bert & Ernie inc., Snuffy’s spokesperson says, “Snuffy’s mustache is what keeps him going on the many days when Big Bird gets on his last nerve. He feels that even though his friend is being a pain in the butt, he stills has his ever-faithful mustache to get him through the long hours of the day.”

Now, on another note, some men just cannot successfully pull off “the mustache” at all. For example, I have been informed by the Lousy Mustache Wearer’s Association for Old Men, or the LMWAOM for short, that President Bush, in no way possible, could ever, on anyone’s terms, pull of that extra piece of facial hair. Personally, I would have to agree. It is hard to imagine him slinking from his Rent-Me-4-A-Day limo before another one of his “Stay the Course” speeches, twirling his freshly trimmed, neatly waxed, and pencil-thin stachoo while looking professional at the same time.

So, to all you teenagers out there, while you are straining your eyes to see the oh-so-exhilarating signs of a soon-to-be mustache, remember, your time will come. Now, be aware that you may never look as clean-cut as actors such as Will Smith, but please, do the world a favor; we only need one Yosemite Sam, so keep those boinging, out of control hairs tucked away and trimmed. As a parting note and as future reference; be in control, you are the master, let each and every one of those mustache hairs know that you…mean…business.

Tips to Growing the Ultimate Mustache:

1 - Keep your mustache combed and waxed or oiled day and night.

Otherwise, long hairs will tangle and get knotted if they are allowed to hang naturally. The knotted hair will break-off, causing the loss of precious inches of mustache.

A waxed mustache will not lose so many strays, nor is it so likely to get caught in your zipper jacket, or your mouth. An unruly mustache could choke its sleeping owner. Save your stray hairs in a jar. You'll be amazed by the way they accumulate.

2 - Keep your mustache away from fire. Years of growth can be lost instantly in a stinking cloud of smoke. A heavy coating of protein stiffener will act as a fire retardant.

http://www.claytonbailey.com/mustache.htm