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A Steps were taken, and, after a while, each
and every maiden in the kingdom was assigned a hero.
For a while this worked honorably, but then you could say
things got out of hand. In just a few
years, being a damsel in distress became a contest.
Training schools were set up to prepare young men for
their task. Competitions were arranged to
decide which of the servants, milkmaids, and millers’ daughters
were worthy of the honor of being abducted. Wealthy
parents held parties during which they bid on the most dangerous
creatures and hidden locations. And even
in the height of the Golden Age, there were a few cases where the
system just didn’t work out. One prominent example of these is the story
of Leonora Rosina Adolphina Poinsetti, Crown Princess of Daffinslick. Leonora was an average princess in many ways. She had long golden hair, usually in an
elegant updo or carefully arranged under a conical hat, and bright blue
eyes. She was slender and shapely, and was
her parents’ pride and joy. Now,
seeing as Daffinslick was such an influential country, the good king
and queen were able to secure an unusual castle with two entries (one
four stories under the castle surface and one leading out of its
highest turret). It was guarded by a
fearsome dragon with three heads and the ability to breathe lightning-a
little extra something for the royal parents to brag about to their
friends. After all the arrangements were made, the
princess was transported to the castle and began to wait.
As time went on, Leonora pored over her Prince
Charming’s profile again and again. His
name was Alfred, Baron of Poppincock, and in his portrait he appeared
young and handsome, with a finely chiseled jawbone and sparkling eyes. The Baron’s resume wasn’t all that
impressive, but Leonora was sure he would pull through nicely. They always did, didn’t they? So the fair princess waited.
And waited. Just when she
began to think that no maiden ever waited this long to be rescued (and
really, all the electrical currents were murdering her hair), she
noticed a figure on horseback on the horizon. A
few days later, a lumpy little man plodded into the vicinity of the
castle. Leonora took a quick look in the
mirror, applied some more rouge, and stuck her head out of her tower
window. “Where is Baron
Alfred?” she shouted. “Has
something happened?” The man looked
up at her, startled, and promptly fell off of his horse.
After picking himself up, he shouted,
“Never fear, fair maiden! It is I,
Alfred, Baron of Poppincock, come to save you from the mercy of this
foul beast. Never more shall you
be-” There was a loud zapping noise, and Princess Leonora felt
her hair raise up a few inches. A few
seconds later the dragon landed next to Alfred, who gave a few feeble
waves of his sword, then swung it wildly around his head.
It flew out of his hands and landed several feet behind
him. There was another large zap, followed
by the crackle of electricity flowing through a plump body. Finally, the princess could take it no more. She swayed and fell into a dead faint. Princess Leonora woke the next day arranged
gracefully on her bed. (She had been
trained to faint that way.) She looked out
the window to see if what had happened had been simply a nightmare, but
to her horror, all she saw was a dragon. It
burped, sending off more electric charge. The
princess sighed. How horrid, she thought. Now I’ll have to wait for a replacement. Oh well, perhaps they’ll send someone
really handsome this time. She then turned
to her vanity and began reapplying her makeup. Days passed, and still no replacement came. Months went by. Leonora
invented and perfected 132 new hairstyles and ran out of her favorite
eye coloring. The caviar disappeared from
the dinner tray that appeared every night. However,
when she ran out of rouge, Leonora realized that something had to be
done. A few days later, Leonora had finally packed
up the contents of her vanity, her entire wardrobe, and a piece of
bread from her lunch. When she finally
found her way to the underground exit, she took a deep breath, pushed
open the door, and stepped out of the castle. Looking
around, she noticed the dragon a few yards away, entertaining himself
by electrocuting various small creatures and watching their reactions. The princess shuddered and tiptoed by. When she finally reached the woods at the end of
the clearing, she began planning how she would tell her family of her
bravery and courage. “Water…..need…water,”
Leonora croaked as she crawled into a small village.
A shopkeeper looked down at her.
“Are you all right, miss?
How long have you been traveling?” “Oh…..”
she replied. “Forever.
I have been traveling long and far in search of my home,
after escaping from a castle guarded by a lightning-breathing dragon. I have battled my way through immense
wildernesses. I have nearly perished from
hunger and thirst.” The shopkeeper
looked at her. “You mean the When she awoke this time, Princess Leonora
found herself in a small inn. She went
downstairs and immediately noticed the most handsome man she had ever
seen. He had shining black hair and
piercing blue eyes, enormous muscles, and stood at nearly seven feet
tall. The two met eyes, and the young man
made his way towards her. “Good
afternoon, my lady. I am Prince Edward of
Banarvia. And may I ask your name?” “I am Leonora Rosina Adolphina
Poinsetti, Crown Princess of Daffinslick. I
am honored to meet you, my lord.” The prince looked her over.
“I assume you are one of those feminist princesses
you see these days? Running around saving
yourself? Come now, Lea -can I call you
that? - that is no way for a lady to live.”
“Your majesty! I
am appalled at the very idea! In fact, I
was just looking for an escort back to my home as my hero has perished. And my name is Princess Leonora Rosina
Adolphina Poinsetti!” “Oh, forgive my assumption,”
Prince Edward replied. “Might I be
your escort, Princess Leonora... Adolsino …Rolphitti…
Pois…….Princess?” The
princess accepted gladly, and went back upstairs to fetch her things
from where the shopkeeper placed them. Leonora came downstairs a few minutes later
to see Prince Edward speaking with a girl in a brand new lilac gown in
a style Leonora hadn’t seen before. She
looked down at her rumpled, outdated dress and back up at the beautiful
girl Edward was speaking with. He walked
over to her. “I am sorry, Princess,
but Lady Marie needs a…companion.” Marie
smirked at her and flipped her perfect, white-blond hair.
And with that, they walked away.
After drinking a mug of ale, Leonora trudged
back to the castle. She walked back
through the underground tunnel and then the four-story deep door. She then sat in her tower and waited again. The next morning, Leonora awoke to see the
dragon flapping out side of her window. Sitting
on the sill was a pot of rouge. The
princess jumped up and ran to the window. (Then
back a little, she could feel her hair sticking up.)
“Is this for me?” she asked.
Zap. Leonora decided to take
that as a yes. And so began a long and beautiful friendship. Anything Leonora needed, the dragon got for
her by starting electrical fires in occasional villages and small towns. In return, Leonora knitted sweaters and snow
hats for it. She wrote to her parents
saying that she was perfectly happy, although she did ask them if they
could send a lady-in-waiting to do her makeup for her.
(They didn’t write back.) As
for Prince Edward? Lady Marie ran off with
a redheaded stable boy a few days after they left Leonora, and he died
at the age of 106 drunk, broke, and utterly friendless.
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